Gays Suck
by Dixie Chicken
Summary: This is what happens when the boys mistake the acronym GSA Gay Straight Alliance to mean “Great Sex Advice.” Beavis/Butthead Slash.


Our story begins with our two zeros staring at a flyer taped to the school bathroom door.

"Geeeee...Ehssss-?"

"Heh heh...you said 'ass'...in school!" Beavis snorted.

"Huh huh! Oh yeah! Huh huh..." their giggling died down in time and Butthead returned to the task at hand; Reading a flyer. "Uh...Geee...Esss...Aaaay. Geesa? What the hell does that mean?" He asked no one in particular, not even bothering to read any further and answer his own question. While staring blankly at the flyer, poor Daria happened to walk by. And unfortunately for her, she did not walk by undetected.

"Hey Butthead! Let's ask Diarrhea!"

"Uh..okay. HEY DARIA!" Butthead called down the hall. "WHAT'S GEESA MEAN?" Daria rolled her eyes as she crossed the hall to deal with them. Lunch could wait. She found the duo mildy amusing.

"Geesa? That doesn't mean anything. It's not a word." She replied dryly.

"Then why does it say 'Geesa' on this poster, dumbass!" Butthead retorted, feeling pretty smart just then.

"It doesn't say 'Geesa', idiot! It says 'GSA'! It's an acronym."

Beavis and Butthead just stared at her blankly.

"The letters stand for something." She clarified, with the smallest of smirks on her face.

"Uh...so what do they stand for?" Beavis asked. Daria rolled her eyes for the second time.

"It means..." Then, the light bulb flickered over her head. It was a horribly mean idea, but it would be too easy to pass up!

"...it means...um...'Great Sex Advice'. Yeah...it's where all the slutty girls and guys learn how to score."

"Really?!" Beavis asked, getting all jittery just thinking about it.

"Yup. Says on this poster that there's a meeting after school today in room 512. You guys should go check it out."

"We're there dude!" Butthead said, his normally beady eyes practically popping out of his head. "Thanks Daria!" He waved as she made her exit, taking her wicked smile with her. That's what they get for pantsing her back in the second grade!

Later that afternoon...

"Beavis and Butthead! Wh-what are you doing here!?" Stewart squeaked while trying to stretch his Winger shirt over his red face.

"Woah! Stewart?! Dude, have you been holding out on us?" Butthead accused the patsy while closing the door behind him.

"Yeah! What the hell, bunghole! I thought we were friends!" Beavis added.

"...we're friends?!" the wussy boy gushed, his worst nightmare turning into his dream come true.

"Uh...heh heh...no. But don't you think we are or something? Heh heh m-"

"Well, Beavis and Butthead!" Beavis was cut short by the every cheery and annoying as hell Mr. Van Driessen. "Please have a seat! I must say, I'm a little...surprised...to see you two here. But I want to thank you both for facing your fears and let you know that this is a place where you and students like you can feel safe. You won't be judged here."

"Uhh...huh huh, no problem dude." Butthead shrugged. He had no idea what he was talking about. As usual. The two scanned the room to see if there were any hot chicks sitting by themselves. There weren't. Only Cassandra and a couple of fat chicks with facial hair. So they slumped into two empty seats next to each other in the back.

Van Driessen watched the boys with a curious eye. He always figured they're was something deeper to their macho facade but could never place his finger on it. It all made perfect sense now. Poor boys..growing up in a time when the media pigs and the man put you down for being yourself. His heart poured out to them. They needed guidance. And dammit, he was the only one willing to give them that guidance! But he couldn't do it in front of the whole class...

"Guys, to start the class off, how about you talk among yourselves and recap what we discussed last week. Share some stories!" As instructed, the room exploded in conversation.While the class was distracted, he pulled up a seat next to Beavis and Butthead.

"So, Beavis..." He started, trying to find the best way to approach this touchy subject. "You don't have to answer this if you don't want to, but I'm compelled to ask; are you and Butthead...you know...together?"

Beavis was a trifle confused by his teacher's question, so he looked towards his friend hoping he understood what that meant. Butthead just shrugged. He didn't. Beavis thought about it for a moment and interpreted the question to mean "are you sitting together?"

"Well...yeah, sir! What are you, blind or something?"

"Okay settle down, Beavis. I guess it was a silly question, I just wanted to make sure. Now tell me, have you two ever had intercourse?"

"No! That's why we're here, butt wipe!" Butthead pipped in.

"Oh I see. Now boys, normally I tell my students to wait until they can handle sexual activity like two, mature adults. But since it might take a long while for you two to reach that stage of your development, I suppose you might as well share this experience now. But allow me to give you a few pointers first."

"Huh huh...he said 'pointers.'" Butthead giggled, leaning towards Beavis while Beavis was hanging over his desk, wide eyed and waiting for Van Driessen to continue.

"Sex can be a beautiful experience that bonds two people and makes them into one. But if handled irresponsibly, the consequences for sex can last a long time. "

"Huh huh...he said long..."

"Beyond AIDS and STDs, there are serious emotional consequences associated with sex. It's really important for a couple to talk about how they feel about sex. How they really feel. So before you guys have sexual intercourse together, considered what I've said today."

"Huh huh...he said...!" Suddenly, those tiny, rusty gears in Butthead's head started turning. And then it clicked; have sexual intercourse together...together with...?!

"EW! NO WAY!" Butthead shouted over his teacher, his face was red and contorted. Before Van Driessen could address the source of this new aurora of negative energy, Butthead had dragged Beavis into the empty hallway by his hand.

"Heh heh ummm...hey Butthead? What's your problem, ass-wipe?! He was just about to get to the good-!"

"Beavis, you dilweed! Don't you get it? Van Driessen was saying we should...uhhh..." He stopped. His mouth was getting dry for some stupid reason...

"We should what? WHAT?! Dammit Butthead! I want to know what I gotta do to get some!"

"He...he thinks we should like...touch each other's nads and stuff." Butthead finally choked out. Beavis just stared at Butthead in silence, trying to process what he just said. Needless to say, that took an agonizingly long time. Finally Beavis spoke.

"Like...practice on each other?"

"...Huh?!"

"Oh, I get it now! It's like...we never score, because we've never scored before and we're like...inexperienced and stuff. But we can't get any so we can get some because we've never gotten any. So we should like...practice on each other. Then we'll score! I mean really sco-!"

"Dammit Beavis, shut the hell up! That's the dumbest idea you've ever had! It's stupid! And gay! Shut up!" Butthead shouted, spraying spit all over Beavis. That really pissed him off! But he didn't know why. It just made his face flare up. He thought for a second that Beavis would just leave it at that, but oh no...

"...just listen to me Butthead! It's like, chicks think we don't know what we're doing so they won't do it with us. So we just have to do it with each other then-"

"Beavis! If you don't shut the hell up, I'm going to shut you up myself!"

"...and don't chicks find it sexy when two dudes touch each other, like how we get turned on when two girls-!"

Beavis was cut off when Butthead pinned him into a nearby locker. He hovered over Beavis, breathing heavily while Beavis struggled beneath him, sticking his lips out in a pouty sorta way. The taller of the two 'tards watched Beavis writhe in fascination. Anger turned into...another instinctive emotion. Then, after checking to make sure the coast was clear, Butthead...kissed him. It tasted like melted, processed cheese and tobacco. It was...cool! They should make nacho flavored cigarettes. Or ashtray flavored nachos...

The taste got stronger as Beavis kissed him back, and ran his tongue along his braces. Butthead moaned and deepened the kiss. Trying to figure out what to do with his hands all the while. Beavis shuddered violently as his best (and only) friend's hands moved about his body. He snaked his own hands up to grasp Butthead's shoulders, if only to hold himself up. He'd never been touched like that and it felt so good! Too good! He needed relief! Friction! SOMETHING! So while his tongue was being sucked, Beavis started rocking his hips against Butthead's.

This proved to be too much for Butthead.

The jolt to his groin jump started Butthead's brain for the second time that day and he pulled away as fast as he could. Didn't matter though; what he...they...did wasn't going away. The minute and a half were spent wiping off slobber and spit, laughing nervously and blushing. Finally, Beavis squeaked out "Heh Heh...that's what I was trying to tell you, Butthead! We should uh...do that. Then we'll ya know...score..."

"Yeah, but with each other." Butthead smirked, not finding the idea so...scary now.

"I don't care I mean...heh um heh...that was kinda hot...just now...Right?" He asked absently, his face turning an almost maroon color.

"Huh huh...yeah..." Butthead licked his lips before grabbing Beavis' hand again.

"C'mon. Let's go do whatever the hell Van Driessen told us to do before we can screw."

Beavis beamed and trotted behind his Butthead as he bolted for the door.

END


End file.
